I am in the northern hemisphere and we are near the longest night when life is most still and death has become more present. As I hear of deaths within the community I feel the pains and confusion of death close to my heart. I feel gratitude for the reminder of the beauty of life. As well as also helping me to remember the gift of death.
I remember my mother’s death when I was 9. I can remember hearing the news of her death that night, I remember hanging around the adults wondering why everyone was making a big deal about it. Just playing and laughing, enjoying the change of routine. I can remember being at her funeral and thinking, I should be sad right now. Why wont the tears come? I remember trying different tricks to make tears come so I could feel like I fit into an idea of what the appropriate response to this event is.
I still don’t fully understand this experience. Some psychologists would say I was in shock. I think this is true on some level. I do believe that when we experience a disaster, a natural survival mechanism is to continue life as if nothing has changed. When the death experience is so intense that our ego cannot begin to imagine this new reality, we choose to go on as if this newly birthed reality is not real, holding onto what we have known. I also feel there is another side to this experience, I feel that there is an innate knowing that the death of someone from their human body is not the death of their Spirit. That our higher Self comes in to guide our vessel to safety if our ego is not able to handle. I do believe that somewhere deep within I knew that my mother wasn’t gone. I knew that she would continue to be with me.
After experiencing the shock. Living within a reality in which I did not have the love and support of my mother. Recognizing what the death of this human meant in this life, I went deep into a dance of weaving in and out of rage and sorrow. Wanting to be free of this human experience myself. Wanting to join my mother wherever she may be. Holding onto what could have been, how life would be different, how it would be so much better if only this person was still in my life. I was so far from present that I found myself completely lost not knowing who I was. This is when drugs came into my life, self-mutilation and an eating disorder. As the inspiration flows I may share more on this one day. Anyway, long story, short… I came back to a truth that was a part of me as a child. The part that was not sad because I did not believe my mother was gone. That little spark that kept me alive with joy in those moments of tears all around, had I been more comfortable in my human experience, I would have asked the adults to celebrate her, remember she is not gone. To love like she loved, to smile as she once smiled with all of heart. That is what I wanted to do. I wanted to keep feeling the love she bravely shared with each breath, that through the process of death now speaks to me in the soft breeze or swift winds. The death it is hard for us who are left behind. Yet, for the one we love they are now free of their spirit being contained within this flesh and bones. I believe that it is freeing no matter how the death comes. If a human chooses to end their own time with work left unfinished then they will have the opportunity to do that work and begin it over once more. Have you ever started a project, decided it is not going in the right direction and decided to discard it and start over again? Maybe, maybe not. Either way there is nothing wrong with starting anew once again.
The gift of death is not meant to be for us left here on Earth. The gift of death is for the one who is ready to journey anew. When you are ready to come full circle once more, remember you loved one in your heart a part of your core. Remember that in the earth you can speak to your Beloved. Know that the little signs here and there are messages from them. Guiding you to the Light. For they are a of the Great One. To connect with the Source of all life itself is to connect with our Beloved who is with us no more. Yet, will always be a part of our life.
Life, Death, Rebirth Painting by Aisha Al-Sadie
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